Blog Entry

Candy scandal rocks Hawaii athletics

Posted on: May 3, 2011 3:36 pm
Edited on: May 3, 2011 3:36 pm

Posted by Adam Jacobi

After word got out last night that Boise State was facing a variety of NCAA violations, including the dreaded lack of institutional control, one couldn't help but think that there was more bad news on the way. Not necessarily for Boise, per se, but schools like it: athletic overachievers from lightly populated, western states. Well, lo and behold, a disturbing confession comes to us from blogger and former Hawaii professor Patrick Johnston today.

This is obviously terrible news for Hawaii athletics. Candy is known to contain enough sweeteners to put athletes on a "sugar high," and chocolate contains caffeine, a known stimulant. There's no telling what kind of sugar-crazed maniacs were flying out of Johnston's classes and onto the practice fields. Were they liabilities to the other athletes' health and safety? You bet your ukulele they were!

Safety aside, the mere gifting of these deadly sweets is itself a major problem. We confirmed with Johnston that the gifts included some "fun size" individual candies, and as we all know, under the purview of the NCAA, fun is completely illegal.

The Hawaii compliance director is out of the office (we checked) and thus unavailable for comment. If she knew what horrible accusations against the Warriors await her, she might not come back to the office. We wouldn't blame her.


[Note: if you took this article seriously, you're an idiot.]


Since: Dec 2, 2011
Posted on: December 18, 2011 11:44 pm

Candy scandal rocks Hawaii athletics

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Since: Dec 2, 2007
Posted on: May 3, 2011 4:34 pm

Candy scandal rocks Hawaii athletics

What a LOT of people don't know is that players have also taken to eating pizza.  Which on the surface seems tame, but all those carbohydrates, when you combine them with soda, turn into a megadose of sugar that can literally make mature pre-professional college athletes behave like superhuman college students.  They can sllde down snowy frozen roads on doors, tip over Sani-Can's, they might even try to date girls (BYU is on top of this last one, thankfully-- it's a start!)

And it's MUCH more difficult to test for pizza.  A couple beers will mask it in urine samples.  And the test results are virtually indistinguishable from Pop Tarts, which unbelievably are STILL legal in the SEC.

The NCAA has become a joke.  It's like NO ONE is in control anymore.

Since: Apr 28, 2009
Posted on: May 3, 2011 4:26 pm

Candy scandal rocks Hawaii athletics

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