Posted by Adam Jacobi
Good evening, West Virginia athletic director Oliver Luck. I see times are a little rough in your football program today. What looked three months ago like a blueprint for a seamless transition into the future is now a seemingly untenable situation, one that splits your program and coaching staff in twain. That's not good to see, Mr. Luck. It harms your program, your school, your conference, and your sport.
Clearly, a fast and permanent situation is needed.
First things first: Bill Stewart must be fired. If either head coach Bill Stewart or his wife Karen Stewart are leaking damaging information to the press about head-coach-in-waiting Dana Holgorsen, they're clearly not "team players." That goes doubly if the leaks are gross exaggerations or outright fabrications. West Virginia needs a team player atop its football program, and let's be honest, Stewart was never in favor of the coach-in-waiting approach to begin with. So since what you really wanted all along was for Bill Stewart to no longer be coaching your program by 2012, Mr. Stewart has seen fit to accelerate the process. You should act accordingly.
Second things second: Dana Holgorsen must be fired. Yes, this is harsh, but it is clear that Mr. Holgorsen cannot be trusted with full control of this football program right now. Even as the worst report of his exploits was exaggerated, he still made headlines for his conduct outside of work hours, and that cannot be ignored. No, that incident in and of itself is not a fireable offense, except for the fact that Stewart is already fired. That means WVU would be forced to hire a coach for one year, for the sole purpose of sticking around until Holgorsen acclimates himself with the culture surrounding West Virginia Mountaineers football. That was the arrangement under which he was hired, and it seems that he has failed to meet that goal thus far. You, Mr. Luck, do not have the luxury of patience on this issue any longer! Holgorsen must go.
Third things third: There is basically nobody you can hire. We have established that Holgorsen does not meet the standards previously set forth for a proper head coach of West Virginia, being of such little experience from a culture standpoint. That is an admirable approach to take, and more athletic departments should hold themselves to such high levels of principle in such important matters. However, this also places WVU in an unenviable position, because any other coach is even farther behind in the curve than Holgorsen. West Virginia football requires a West Virginia Man, and the Venn Diagram between viable football coaches and West Virginia Men is almost two adjacent circles.
Fourth things fourth: All hope is not lost. There is, however, one man you can hire, one man that most perfectly fits all necessary criteria. Allow us then, Mr. Luck, to make a most modest proposal.
Now, now, Mr. Luck: hear us out. Please put the phone down. We don't need to bring security guards into this matter and make it weird. Mr. Rich Rodriguez is the rare coach who has significant and successful BCS-level head coaching experience, is under 50 years old, and is available immediately for employment. Why, he even has seven years of experience coaching your very own West Virginia Mountaineers! Seven! Had he not made the fatal error of trusting Greg Robinson, Mr. Rodriguez would undoubtedly still be coaching the Michigan Wolverines today. If he's good enough for Michigan, my goodness, he must be good enough for West Virginia again!
And yes, I grant you that this particular arrangement did not end on a happy note for any parties involved. There was some, shall we say, hostility on both ends, and nobody wants to spend such time wallowing in the type of behavior that makes men monsters, do we? After all, Mr. Rodriguez has publicly acknowledged that he made a mistake in leaving West Virginia for Michigan, and certainly you, Mr. Luck, can acknowledge that the Bill Stewart and Dana Holgorsen hirings have been mistakes as well, no? And now, both parties are in a unique position to rectify all such mistakes. Bring things back to the "good old days." Why, Mr. Rodriguez was so generously compensated at Michigan that he would probably even be able to withstand the relative poverty of a Big East contract for a few years. Quite magnanimous, if you ask me.
So, Mr. Luck and the rest of West Virginia: when shall you be announcing the return of Mr. Rodriguez to Morgantown?
Editor's note: "A Modest Proposal" is a famous piece of satire by Jonathan Swift. It advocated eating one's children. Please bear that in mind when reading this article.